Suicidal despair

What is an enlightened response to suicidal despair?


Hi Colleen i know all about enlightment.. from reading Ester and Jerry Hicks. Im in such a depth of despair through my own fault .. Its just hard to bring my self back into the now … i wanted to end it all early hours of sunday morning .. still here so i havnt .. but cannot shake this dreaded feeling..




Firstly let me say that many, many people have been there, are there and will be there – in that experience of deep despair, the kind that feels too heavy to carry on and can make life seem like a torturous, pointless burden.

I am sorry for your suffering. I too have experienced this many times in my early life, so it’s not something that only happens to a select unlucky few. Perhaps there will be some comfort in knowing this.

Despair can come from:
• believing a thought that is not true;
• body-mind chemistry (lack of nutritional support or chemical interference);
• carrying burdens from others including family ancestors;
• not getting what the ego wants (ego is always dissatisfied)
• and believing in a false separate self.

All of these have in common a root belief in something not true, OR ingesting something untrue.

When we focus on and ingest something that is not true, we experience heaviness and contraction in the nervous system.

Our nervous system is actually in service to tell us when we are focused on a truth. When we focus or ingest a truth our nervous system opens with lightness and the experience of freedom.

This is real enlightenment. The true knowledge that brings light to the darkness that lacks truth.

What has helped me immensely, and others when facing the storms of despair is to transform these types of deep contractions, into real openings, into enlightenment.

In fact, suffering can be made to be useful, when it takes us into questioning and wisdom. So don’t stop until you find the wisdom, truth and real seeing that lifts the pain, transforming it into opening.

Suffering shows us where there is a lack of truth, a lack of enlightenment.

So on that point, let’s look at the word enlightenment. I want to convey to you my meaning. The word “enlightenment” can be used in so many different ways.

How I use it, and other direct path teachers of nondual enlightenment like Rupert Spira, Adyashanti and Mooji, is to mean the freedom that comes to the heart, mind and gut when truth (true knowledge) replaces false (false knowledge).

I don’t mean it in the context of getting what we want from life, in fact true enlightenment frees us from the suffering of wanting itself.

The most painful of all false knowledge, is the belief in a false separate self, and all of the confusion and torturous thoughts that this false self-idea wields.

The false separate self is never satisfied and always wants more.

I am only vaguely familiar with the work of Ester and Jerry Hicks, but from what I do know, their message seems to be more about manifesting what we desire, (along the lines of the Secret) and so please know that I am using the word enlightenment, in a very very different way to what you are referring.

So when you say “I know all about enlightenment”, I’d like to lovingly suggest that you might not know about the enlightenment that I am referring too.

Nondual enlightenment actually frees us from chasing objects in a futile attempt to try to gain lasting happiness. By objects I mean ‘anything’ from others love, approval, respect, etc and objects like things in the world.

This “pacman” path is a roller coaster that old souls eventually get tired of and then its time for enlightenment, to be free of this dance.

Teachings like “The Secret” can in fact leave people feeling very sad, because of the belief taught that ‘personal thoughts create your reality’.

Then when well-meaning folks try to “create a better reality” for themselves and fail, they feel worse off. Like failures.

So just in case this is a factor for you, I’d suggest that you seriously question the limited false simplicity of the beliefs behind these teachings. They might serve in some ways, but can often result in very limited seeing and suffering.

We can think “Summer, summer, summer” all we like, and winter will still show up. To blame ourselves for winter, can be deeply harsh and unnecessary.

I cannot give you all of the knowledge needed to see what I am pointing to in one message, as this is a full and rich teaching, but I can offer you a possibility and love.

Ultimately, thoughts, feelings, personality all arise in you.

They are temporary, always.

They are the contents of you as awareness, but you are something free of the contents. Most do not know this. Most are not enlightened by this truth.

Very few even want to know this because real enlightenment is a dying process, we die to the false self. In fact,

I supported a lovely client once who was suicidal, she wanted to die, so I asked her “How could you die to everything that is causing you suffering, without ending your physical life?” – this might be a useful inquiry.

Enlightenment is about dying to everything false, to all the beliefs we have about being small little creatures on a little blue planet, fighting for scraps of love, peace and happiness.

Enlightenment is freedom from the mind, feelings and personality that are a part of the dance of life, sometimes in summer, sometimes in winter.

We find ourselves as the changeless, seasonless self, as nondual reality itself, in which all these plays of life rise and fall. This gives us back to ourselves.

We realise, we are what we were looking for so desperately. We are the love, peace and joy that we wanted through trying to get what the mind said it needed.

I know this can sound philosophical and abstract, I wish you could feel and know this. It’s as ordinary and as real as my hands typing this message to you now. I hope you will sense this in my message, and that this will open a door in your mind and heart to your true self.

So what then to do with the dreaded feeling?

It is natural to want to be free of this.

Freedom is our birth right. But ironically, as they say “what we resist persists”.

If you need help, find it, there is no shame in that. Drive to a hospital if you need to have a sanctuary.

Then when it seems right, whether with someone to help you or alone, love this sadness, as a divine mother loves a sad baby.

Don’t identify as the one that is sad, because this is not true.

See, feel and know yourself as the awareness, the sacred mother space that sadness has come to for truth and love.

Sadness belongs, it is a part of life, it is in you but you are not in it! Let it be there but don’t believe the thoughts that come with it.

It may help to remind yourself, “I am awareness” and sense that you indeed are aware. And you as awareness are currently aware of the feeling of deep despair. Be gentle with this process. Seek true seeing and true being. That is enlightenment.

And like Rumi, the enlightened Sufi poet said:

“This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.”

Seek real enlightenment. Seek the real you.

All love


How ignorance causes suffering

How ignorance causes suffering

How Attention through the Lens of Ignorance Distorts and Causes Suffering

(Transcribed from live Satsang talk on a non-dual understanding of suffering.) 

Take a moment to imagine, that everything is information.

Everything is consciousness, everything is another word we can say is knowledge.

Everything is information, knowledge, consciousness. And all of this information, is arranged in a continuum from ignorance to truth and basically, that this pure knowledge, a pure knowledge of truth, a pure knowledge the highest knowledge is distorted under ignorance and expresses in our life’s as what we might call darkness.

You know, darkness is a symbol for ignorance. Because it is simply, a lack of light, darkness is not an equal opposing force, it doesn’t try to fight the light when we have dark room and a light room and we open the door in between, the light simply floods, into the empty space that is darkness. And the same is true in their own life’s, in our bodies, in our minds.

Wherever there is ignorance, there is darkness.

There is a lack, there is the perceived emptiness and when we start to tune into truth, when we start to discover truth, when we start to download (laughter) the information of truth and knowledge of truth.

That can be experienced as something leaving us something being taken out, something transformed, something healed, there is different ways to express it but, really, what is happening is that ignorance is leaving and what is actually happening is that we are being filled with truth.

So, things that used to serve us, things that when we were under ignorance, that were very much a part of the play of ignorance, the life expression of living, believing in separateness, believing in false.

That starts to be removed, transformed, and healed as truth takes its place.

Truth is medicinal in that, in that sense it is has a healing power, it has transformation, and simply through our intention to focus on the truth to discover the truth, to see beyond the surface mind and the surface mind very much as a product of ignorance.

I am saying collective ignorance not personal ignorance. It is felt personally but, is very much also an expression of life. That, ignorance is very much in the fabric of physical reality.

So this continuum, of ignorance and truth is expressed as duality. I mean duality, apparent duality, or apparent opposites can only exist because of ignorance. Ignorance has to be in play, in order for duality to even appear.

For there to be dark and light for example, there needs to be duality. For there to be up and down there needs to be duality. So, the knowledge of the information of ignorance, keeps duality in existence.

As we discover the truth, as we start to focus attention on the truth, truth then becomes downloaded into the mind and into the body and into the very being. And then, what happens is that, the body- mind expression starts to embody knowledge of non-duality.

Knowledge of the truth, which is transcendent even isn’t the right word but, it encompasses duality, but it is in itself not dual. It is beyond all opposites and it is the truth that, collapses all duality.

Now, I know this sounds terribly philosophical and terribly abstract, so I’ll attempt to give you examples and help you to understand this in how it expresses in real life.

Ignorance can take something like love. Love in its non-dual form, love in its true form is universal, it is equal, it doesn’t discriminate and like the sunshine, it doesn’t choose where to place itself. It doesn’t hold itself back, it doesn’t it’s totally free and totally all-encompassing, it is not exclusive. It is wholeness itself.

Love is very much an embodiment of being, it is non-duality and it is truth completely and totally.

So, love doesn’t feel differently from one thing to the next, it doesn’t have conditions placed on it. So, let’s take that love in its non-dual true expression is totally unbound and unconditioned. Whereas, love under ignorance, love as it is experienced by person who is very much bound by ignorance.

They experience love, as conditional. This is both within the self and within relationships. So then it is, I will only love myself if I will only love myself if I am a good person. I will only love myself if I do things the right way. I will only love myself if I look a certain way.

You know, humans, it is our nature to condition and to bind love. So love is expressed, but under ignorance love is expressed and experienced, in a distorted way and it leads to suffering. We get tastes of true love under ignorance, love, even becomes a source of suffering under ignorance.

So, conditional love is, I will only love myself if, I will only love others if, I will only love life if, and there are demands, that are placed on love. Now, you can almost tell that these demands are very much beliefs.

They are from the mind, the mind dictates and it says this is belief or it’s says a thought and we believe the thought and because of the thought and the belief in the thought, we hold back love. We hold back the flow of love and that causes the suffering.

But, from a non-dual perspective and from the place of truth, from the seeing from the truth that collapses. That duality collapses and then love expresses itself and it heals.

So, where there was a heart, that was holding back love and not able to experience its wholeness. Now truth, by focusing on the truth, there is a healing that happens in heart and suddenly where there was lack and darkness and emptiness in a painful way, now there is fullness and wholeness and love.

Very, very practical example, let’s say that, somebody has an argument with somebody else, and they look through the lens of the mind, which means that, they’re looking at it through ignorance.

So, if they looking at this argument and this person through the lens of ignorance, what happens is, that the person attempts to not love any more. There is this a holding back of love and there is this belief that love makes us vulnerable.

There is perhaps beliefs that, there should be justice here, there is beliefs that, this person has done us wrong. You know, I am painting all different kinds of scenarios, for different situations and for different personalities, but ultimately underneath something is happening and love wants to express, the truth is there, but now is distorted through ignorance and therefore, the person attempts to shut down love.

The moment they do that, the heart falls under ignorance and that is experienced as deep pain.

Let’s say, the person then sat to contemplate or meditate or coach themselves and they enquired, and they wanted to look deeper, then the surface mind, they wanted to look for truth.

Truth might arise in that moment as feeling and knowing that they still love the person and funny enough, this doesn’t mean that they necessarily, include the person in their lives. It doesn’t mean that, justice must still not be carried out, that laws must be followed, or anything in terms of the physical life and functional life. But underneath, underneath the truth, would be felt and that truth heals.

So, for example, the person might suddenly realise: ‘I actually do feel love for this person,’ the person still belongs in my heart, and they still belong in life.’

There is still acceptance, of the person as equal and not as less and not as trying to push the person out of life and out of belonging. And then that heals and that deep truth, ‘I still love this person, even though I choose not to be with this person. ‘I still love this person, even though justice must still be done here.

I still love this person, even if I say no.

Even if I say yes, I still love this person and this love is equal and inclusive.’ And that, sounds to the mind like a completely crazy thing to do. Because the mind, distorted under ignorance is going to want to punish, it’s going to want to exclude, it’s going to want to create separation but, the truth will heal that person’s heart and love then can flow. And this is because the non-dual perspective or the true perspective has removed the thorn of ignorance. Has removed the wall built by ignorance and therefore, now healing can take place.

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